Inside Guilt

Guilt is just the hard seed coat of Gratitude.

Inside Guilt - Tara Baklund

Guilt brings feelings of being: very closed off, in a dark place and unable to grow.

There are seeds so hard that the outer shell or "coat" needs to be scarified or damaged in order for water and gases to enter the seed so it can germinate. Isn't this such a beautiful metaphor for life? The harder our shell of guilt, the more it seems we need to have it broken to allow what is inside to blossom!?

The idea that Gratitude lies within Guilt at first seems preposterous. So let's explore it together.

There are many definitions of Guilt. The definition by Wikipedia is nice and succinct, so here it is . . .

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.^[1] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Note- I am going to use the term "standard of conduct" loosely here; not just regarding actions that are usually associated with guilt like stealing, injuring another or their property, etc. Also, I'm going to extend "moral standard" to also mean societal standards. There are many other more mild situations that induce deep feelings of guilt and remorse and guilt these days. Also, for the sake of simplicity, I am not going into guilt vs. shame.

I think that most of the time we are accurately experiencing the emotion of guilt or remorse, but the standard of conduct by which we were raised to value needs to be examined.

Maybe you feel accurately in that you feel remorse or the stronger feeling of guilt for not going to a family gathering. It is an accurate feeling because the standard you were raised with in your family and socially is to value family "no matter what" and to not attend a family gathering is going against that value or standard of conduct.

On the other hand you know that you are abiding by your own standard of conduct in respecting yourself by not being around people who treat you very poorly, who act without remorse.

Whether you go to the family gathering or not, either way you have a prime situation to feel guilty- you are either compromising your family's and society's standard of conduct, or your own.

What a crummy way to live- the potential to feel guilty no matter what, what!? Turn this situation around!

Allow your seed to germinate and grow. Sure you may see a seedling wearing the seed coat as a cap as it grows (beans are great at this!), but have you ever seen a full-sized oak tree with an acorn cap at the tippy-top? Well, maybe it's too high up there to see, but I think it's safe so say that it's not there!

Shed your seed coat of guilt! Find the inner source of food and the light and water coming to you and grow!

In the above example: you could be grateful for a family who cares for you, and simultaneously feel gratitude that you value how you are treated - which includes how you treat yourself - HELLO!

Feeling guilty about buying yourself a new pair of shoes? Question if it's simply because you couldn't afford them anyway- or if it's a false and inaccurate feeling based on skewed standards of conduct as you were being raised i.e. you do not need shoes until you absolutely grow out of them.  Either way, there is a hidden seed of gratitude waiting to be germinated . . . How amazing is it that we can even consider to have multiple pairs of shoes? Or, how great is it that you can realize as an adult that your childhood upbringing doesn't have to take hold of you? Then choose to make the right decision for you- not out of pre-programed cause and effect feelings.

Are you feeling remorse about the piece of pie you had? Is it because you are wanting to take better care of yourself and eating the pie didn't match your standard of conduct for meeting this goal- or do you have really unreasonable standards for yourself when it comes to your food habits? Again, let's look for the gratitude . . . What a blessing that we can have the problem of food abundance? How fortunate are you to know that balance can include a piece of pie - heck, the word "pie" is in the word "piece" and rhymes with "peace" - it's meant to be!

Inside guilt, whether it's accurate or not, is a blessing. I encourage you to grow beyond the feeling and burst forth from the hard shell and to thrive as living gratitude!



Learn more about guilt and shame in work from this very insightful author and therapist Pia Mellody. Of particular help on these subjects are the book Facing Codependence and the audio Permission to be Precious.